a. beautiful. kind. of. hurt.

( Fanfiction Index )

I'm nearly ready to send my final proof my poem off for submission, but I was wondering if someone would mind just giving it a once-over for me?

The poem is PG-13/Rish because of the content, just to give fair warning!

I passed my driving test on Tuesday. Driving = the best therapy for almost anything ever.

I've spent the last few days driving places and singing at the top of my lungs, because there's no one there to comment on the fact that I'm tone deaf. Love it.

That is all.

Book reviews are going to be short and sweet this month (I say this and then I end up rambling for pages upon pages). I spent most of the month re-reading Kim Harrison’s Hollow series, as 1) I love it and 2) I always forget some of the finer details that Harrison tends to loop back to in future instalments. After that, I finally managed to get round to reading Black Magic Sanction and Pale Demon.

( My thoughts on these recent instalments. Spoilers inside. )

The only upside to finishing Harrison’s latest was that I had Nalini Singh’s latest, Kiss of Snow, waiting for me. And boy, have I been waiting for this book. I don’t know if I have any Singh fans on my flist, but man, this was the book that every Psy-Changeling fan was looking forward to. We’ve all been dying to read Sienna and Hawke’s story and I’m so glad that Singh didn’t decide to use that against her fans and save it for the final book in the series.

I completely understand why she waited this long to write it – Judd’s story had to come first, because in Caressed by Ice we’re introduced to the more dangerous Psy designations. And just when we think that maybe Judd’s is the most dangerous of all, it turns out there’s the X designation, and Sienna is it.

Not only that, but in the earlier books Sienna was simply too young for Hawke, despite the obvious connection and chemistry between them. Not only did the readers know that but so did the characters in the book. To have pushed this story before Sienna was ready for it would probably have squeaked me.

( More thoughts. More spoilers. )

( I think I’m giving up Adrian Phoenix’s Maker series…  )

I didn’t know that Vicki Pettersson’s sixth book, Cheat the Grave, was going to be the last in the Zodiac series. I knew there wasn’t actually going to be twelve, but I thought she had at least two or three more books planned out for this. Not that I had a problem with it. I’m sad I had to leave that world behind, because I loved it, but it sounds like Pettersson has something new planned so I’m interested to see in what direction she’ll head now.

( Cheat the Grave. G’bye, Jo Archer! )

Okay, I ranted more than I expected to. I’ve still got my X-Men: First Class review to write.

Plus, I’m considering signing up for X-Men Movie Ficathon. Hmmm. Only ever wrote in the X-Men fandom once and it was dire. And I really only want to write Erik/Raven or Charles/Raven or Erik/Charles/Raven. Hmmmm.

Guys, I have so much I need to post. My reviews for Black Magic Sanction and Pale Demon, Kiss of Snow, Etched in Bone and Cheat the Grave.

My total fangirl love for The Good Wife, which I’ve finally started watching. The whole cast is like… I don’t even know. I love them all. More on that later.

But I wanted to post just to say that I finally got the chance to see X-Men: First Class and my squee cannot be contained. I came out of the cinema absolutely buzzed and satisfied. To say I loved it is an understatement. To say it’s one of the best films I’ve seen in a while is also an understatement. I’ll be posting my review soon, but I wanted to get this out there…

Oh my God, I’m a total Raven/Erik ‘shipper! And I’m totally down with Raven/Charles and Raven/Charles/Erik, too! I just want them all! And I want fic! If any of my flist can swing some recs my way, I will be enamoured of you for a lifetime.

That’s all I currently have to say on the matter. When my squee calms itself down, I will attempt to articulate why I found this film so awesome (in truth I actually want to see it again RIGHT NOW, and I think my review will benefit from a second viewing, for sure).

Er… I think I just signed up for smallvillebbang.

I’ve never done a Big Bang before. The last fic I wrote that was over 10k was The Killing Grace and that was… a long time ago.

Oh, shit.

My entry for dmhgficexchange:

( From The Inside Out. PG. Hermione/Draco. Written for Alexa. Draco Malfoy is their dirty little secret. )

mgleteacher fulfilled my request to the letter with Learn From Yesterday, Live For Today, Hope For Tomorrow.

And you know how I said I was pretty much done with the Draco/Hermione fandom? That I never read the fic anymore? I take that back.

bk11 was part of the exchange. And she wrote seven chapters of pure awesome that hit every single one of my D/Hr buttons and reminded me why I was part of the fandom to start with. I still think I’m pretty much done with the writing fic side of things, but it’s hard to walk away from the rest of it when great authors are still writing gems like this.

Check it out. Girl Marries Boy for Money: A Draco and Hermione Contract Marriage Story.

Go. Read. Love.

I’m now officially back in fanfic addiction mode. Last time this happened I pretty much overdosed over at the Wolverine/Rogue archive, so I wonder what will happen this time.

( It's a little late, but... my thoughts on the season finale of Smallville. Spoilers inside. )

Coming up soon will be my review of Kim Harrison’s latest books, Black Magic Sanction and Pale Demon.

Oh, and I’ll be posting the link to my Draco/Hermione exchange fic now that names have been revealed.

I’ve been in a reading funk for most of this year (I think Shadowfever was the only book I was even remotely motivated to read) and though I picked up a couple of good books by good authors (Diana Rowland’s Mark of the Demon and Lisa Shearin’s Con and Conjure, and one particularly bad book by a previously good (fanfic) author (Dianne Sylvan’s Queen of Shadows (based on the Vampire Diaries-based fanfic, The Signet Series, I so often used to rave about here), I just couldn’t get my head in the game.

That’s why, when I dug up Meljean Brook’s Guardian series from the depths of my e-book folder (a series I considered a must-have after the delight that was The Iron Duke), I was determined to see at least one of books through to the end. And I knew if even Brook couldn’t get me through my slump, there would be no other choice but to let my addiction resurface whenever the hell it felt like it.

( Review of Meljean Brook's Guardian Series. Big spoilers inside. )

Yes, it’s safe to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this series. It’s got me out of my reading funk and it’s given me the motivation to return to an old series which I’m a few books behind on. I’m currently re-reading Kim Harrison’s Hollows series, an old favourite that I’ve been with since book one. I haven’t read Black Magic Sanction or Pale Demon yet, which is not like me at all because I usually jump on Harrison’s books the moment they come out. But I like to re-read this series when a new book comes out because there’s so many things happening in Rachel’s life that I have to remind myself of the finer details. Not that I’m complaining. These books never get old. Although A Few Demons More kills me dead every time. Le sigh.

I also read Kalayna Price’s Grave Witch, which I did enjoy and fully intended to write a review for. But I’ve found I’ve actually forgotten most of the characters names, which is… not a good thing, really. I did like the book, but it was very ABC. It’s a formula that works for a lot of these kinds of books, sure, but with the genre becoming so saturated now, it takes a little more for a book to impress me. The next instalment, Grave Dance, has been added to my Maybe list, but I’m in no rush to buy it.

In other news, my driving test is booked and fast approaching! God, so nervous. I can drive. I know I can drive. I drive my own car all the time and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my driving. But it’s just so damn easy to fail these days and I know my nerves are going to get the best of me. I hope they won’t, because I’d love to be driving by the time summer gets going; I have many-a-road trip planned!

I really wanted to start updating this thing more regularly, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Most of my most recent entries have been real life-related, which, fine, okay, but I don’t think there’s many of you on my LJ that actually give two hoots! No complaints here. My entries are pretty sporadic and, as a result, pretty nonsensical.

Anyway, I do have good news. My job is going to be full-time and safe for a few more months, at least. Hopefully by that point I would have been accepted on to the PGCE course I applied for, though I’m not holding my breath. Places are limited and they’re only taking the cream of the crop, and holy macaroni, it’s been a while since I’ve had to write or speak about actual Literature. With a capital L. And so much is riding on me being undeniably awesome in my interview. Which means I have to be able to walk in there and show them that I can be a teacher, dammit.

Hell, I really have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into.

I’m still gorging on Wolverine/Rogue fic. I don’t know why. I thought I’d pretty much exhausted all the fic the first and second time around, but apparently not. Not that I’m complaining. Although I should at some point think about reading some actual books, because my To Read pile is getting bigger every day. I haven’t actually read much this year yet, which is unusual for me. I know I tend to go a while without reading anything and then overload as soon as I do pick up a book, but I don’t remember ever going this long. I don’t remember reading this sporadically, either. I’m either reading constantly, or I’m not. Bizarre.

In fact, even more bizarre is that I’ve started reading several books and then I’ve just… left them. Not because they’ve bored me, per se; I just don’t seem to have the attention span these days. I read Gail Carriger’s Soulless, and quite enjoyed it; started reading the second instalment, got about three chapters in and never picked it up again. How strange!

I also started reading Diana Rowland and Lisa Shearin, both great writers with some interesting ideas, and then… nothing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I still haven’t read the last two Kim Harrison books. The new Nalini Singh book has been out for months and I haven’t even glimpsed at it. I was looking forward to Adrian Phoenix’s Etched in Bone not that long ago and now I’m just… meh.

Although I readily admit I’m purposely avoiding Twlight’s Dawn. I love Bishop’s work, I do, but I can’t read a book that pretty much destroys everything I loved about the original trilogy.

The good news is that 31st May is not very far away and that’s gonna be a triple whammy. Vicki Pettersson’s Neon Graveyard (and is it me, or does it feel like it’s been forever since the last book?), Ilona Andrews’ Magic Slays (I think might have to re-read the last book because I’ve only read it once) and Nalini Singh’s Kiss of Snow, which is the Psy-Changeling book I’ve been waiting for, because it’s Sienna/Hawke and, erm, do I need to say more? No, no I don’t.

Even more good news… I should be booking my driving test shortly. Finally! It’ll be so nice to be able to drive my car without having to ferry my mum or dad along with me, especially my dad, because I loathe driving with him. He’s been driving for forty-odd years so of course he butts in at every opportunity to tell me I’m doing it wrong, and then he shouts sometimes, and he’s just basically a backseat driver with a short temper who isn’t used to being a passenger in a car. He also doesn’t understand that things have changed since he learned how to drive and unfortunately they’re a lot more nitpicky these days about who they let out on the road. Go figure.

So dad is banned from my car. Mum is actually more patient than I expected her to be, probably because she’s used to dad being an asshole whenever she drives the car (which is why she barely drives), but still… I can’t play Bif Naked on full blast with her in the car because she always give me this look as if to say how did you manage to grow up with such poor taste in music when I raised you on Whitney Houston, Tina Turner and Meatloaf?

I so can’t way to be driving my tiny little orange shagmobile all on my lonesome. It will be awesome, right up until the point where I either crash or breakdown. Yeah, that day is coming soon, I can tell.

My Draco/Hermione exchange fic is in. And the whole process was surprisingly disaster-free. I actually got it written pretty early on but kind of mulled over the ending for a long while. I think it was trying very hard to be something it wasn’t. I argued with myself over whether to let it be or to give it the ending that I felt was more fitting for the characters and the story and I went with the latter. It felt more natural for me to end it like I did, and I think part of that came from the realisation that… well, I think I’ve said all I need to with this pairing. There’s very little else I want to explore as a writer when it comes to these two, but then… that’s how it happens, isn’t it? That’s how fandoms die sometimes.

I wrote my first Draco/Hermione fic back in 2005. A Killing Grace is probably one of my longest fics to date and the response I got to it was pretty incredible. I still get the occasional comment six years on and it always reminds me of how awesome it feels to be part of a new fandom and writing that very first fic. It’s nerve-wracking and exciting and you never quite know if you’ve hit the mark with a story or missed it completely until you get it out there.

I’ve always been a fan of post-Hogwarts fic, set years after the events of the books, when the characters are a little more grown, maybe even a little more cynical. For my own fics I tended to shy away from the wizardry of the books and focused more on the characters themselves. My original incarnation of Draco Malfoy as an assassin was an idea that I carried through to most of my other work, though the premise varied slightly with each. I definitely made the conscious decision to ground him more in the Muggle world, sometimes living or working by Muggle means, because I’ve always enjoyed exploring Draco’s character outside the privilege and ceremony of his upbringing. I’ve always wanted him to be more than he was at Hogwarts, not necessarily redeemed, not even necessarily good or honourable, just a little more… developed.

I originally started reading Draco/Hermione fic because I wanted to see Draco’s character more fleshed out, less whiney schoolboy with a petty grudge and more man suffering through moral and personal dilemmas, struggling to take control of his life in a way he never really did in Hogwarts.

And I read some incredible fics during my time in fandom. I think the ones that have stuck with me the most has to be bk11’s collection of hard-hitting and brutally honest Harry Potter fics. While some involved in the fandom were throwing around the term Mudblood like an endearment or an inside joke, bk11 was writing raw, unapologetic character studies that explored the inherent racism and hatred that was barely acknowledged in the books. Sometimes they read light but they always, always lingered heavily, and when a writer has that kind of impact you’re reminded why fandom and fanfic are an experience within themselves.

Six years on and I’m no longer really a part of the fandom. I haven’t read the books in a very long time, I barely remember what happened in the final instalment and I don’t even recall how many of the films I’ve actually seen. Deathly Hallows was not, and still isn’t, at the top of my To Watch list and after writing this latest fic I’ve realised I’m just not as invested as I used to be.

I don’t know if my lack of interest is specific to the Harry Potter fandom or whether I’m just feeling that way about fandom in general. I’m not as involved as I used to be. I don’t find myself bombarded by plot bunnies like I once did. I very rarely read fic anymore, despite my current gorge-fest over at WRFA. I still enjoy the writing part, the process of it, the feedback, but it’s been a long while since a fandom (or even just a pairing) has given me the writing bug. Although there is that Wolverine/Rogue fic just sitting there and… well, we’ll see.

I'm in desperate need of a beta for my Draco/Hermione exchange fic. Is there anyone who will be able to do a rush job before the 22nd? It's not particularly long.

I've spent the last few evenings over at WRFA, because Wolverine/Rogue are still one of my OTPs after all these years. The 2000 X-Men movie (my God, I can't believe it's been eleven years) kind of kick-started my comic book geekery way back when (I was fourteen, fifteen maybe?) and ever since I've pretty much been an X-Men nerd. There's still a lot of comic book history I've yet to catch up on, because unfortunately living in a small town with limited funds means a) it's difficult to get my hands on the older comics and b) I can't really afford to buy truckloads on my wage, but I sometimes surprise myself with how much I know, especially when I find myself geeking out with other comic book fans.

I think X-Men and Wolverine/Rogue were one of my earliest fandoms. In fact, if I remember rightly, it was second only to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which was my first fandom even though, at the ripe ol' age of 12, I didn't even know what fandom was. When the X-Men film came out, I was still breaking my teeth on fanfic and I think some of the atrocious drivel I was writing in the Buffy fandom once filtered over into the Wolverine/Rogue fandom. I shudder just thinking about it.

Anyway, I stumbled back to one of my old haunts when thecraftykid started posting their new W/R fic up on LJ and I found myself hooked on some of their older work. I haven’t really sat down and read a lot of fanfic lately, not for a good year or so, which is probably why I haven’t been as involved with fandom or writing fic as much as I used to be. So it was nice to stumble across an author that reminded me of how satisfying fanfic can be when it’s done right, and how OTPs can stick around even if you don’t hang out as much anymore.

And then I started to think about my other OTPs and what they had in common and I think, even at fourteen/fifteen, I already had a favoured relationship dynamic; young girl, completely kickass and awesome and just a little bit scary, and the older guy, the “protector”, the one that didn’t see age but experience. Buffy and Angel, Rogue and Wolverine, Jack and Riddick. Obviously my preferences weren’t always that straight forward and even now I can’t pinpoint one specific dynamic that works for me overall. And if you want to simplify things, you could maybe say that as a teenager I had a preference for older guys who could look out for me, but I don’t think that was ever true for me. Still to this day I prefer older guys, but my hackles rise at the idea that it’s a protection thing or even a daddy issue thing (it should be noted that I’m pretty sure I don’t have daddy issues, and that yes, I’m totally a mummy’s girl because I think my mum is awesome and one of the strongest people I know). I think for me it was the fact that I matured a lot faster than kids my age, I became introspective a lot earlier than most, and I think as a teenager I clung to the belief that older guys were mentally more mature and therefore better equipped to understand me (and I don’t mean in a teenage angst kind of way; I was never a massively angsty kid) in a way that boys my age were not.

I still hold to that belief today, to be quite honest, but it’s more solidly supported by experience rather than blind assumption. Still, I sometimes find myself wondering if fandom ever molded my preferences or vice versa, because at that age, it’s hard to grasp the concept that you’re constantly changing without you knowing it, at a more rapid pace than you do later in life.

But, I’m getting off the point here, which was… well, it’s interesting to me to discover that a pairing that worked for me when I was fifteen still works for me at twenty-five. And I think, even though I was subconsciously shipping the tough, gruff “protector” types, I was also shipping the young girl who appears to be weak and shy but is in actual fact strong and resourceful, with the potential to be a completely awesome and believable badass in their own right.

I don’t like reading fics where Rogue is a wilting flower that defers to Wolverine in all matters and allows herself to be treated as a victim who needs taking care of. I like my Rogue as she is, both in the comics and in the films; sassy, capable, sometimes vulnerable, conflicted and empowered. And when she’s written right, and Wolverine is written right, man, it makes me think that these two will be one of my OTPs forever.

It also reminds me that I started an X-Men fic a while back, which I never finished. I may work on that this weekend, after I’ve finished my Draco/Hermione fic for the exchange.

In other news, I previously forgot to mention that I now have a car and it’s now insured and on the road. I haven’t passed my test yet but I can drive with a licensed driver in the car, so that’s alright. It means I can practice more in my car and spend less on driving lessons, which is ideal right now because I was informed last week that my job will be part-time starting next month. I knew it was coming; the current role I’m doing now is actually only supposed to be a part-time position, but my boss knew I needed full-time hours so she stretched it a little, because she’s awesome that way. Unfortunately, due to serious budget cuts in the council here, she can’t pull off that trick any longer. I guess I’m lucky to still have my job considering how many people have been laid off or re-deployed, but still. Things are going to be tight until I manage to find more work to make up my hours.

Sigh. Guess we all have to take the bitter with the sweet, right?

I haven't written a Smallville review in forever. This is how you know I really liked this episode.

( Fortune Review. Spoilers inside. )

( Shadowfever Review. WARNING! Major spoilers discussed in detail. )

I wrote a poem last week, my first one in... maybe seven years? Well, the first one I've completed, anyway. I'm not a big poetry fan, to be honest. There's very few poets I like, even fewer poems that really impress me. But occasionally one likes to pour out of me, so...

( LOL x. Warnings for swearing and sexual references. )

My copy of Shadowfever finally landed in my hands on Wednesday. And my God, was it beautiful! I'm so glad I asked my sister to order it for me for Christmas, because though I knew I wouldn't be able to wait for the paperback copy, anyway, I would probably still have bought the hardback. Because the cover is gorgeous. I love it.

I started reading it Wednesday afternoon and finished it after work last night. 600 pages and I inhaled them. I'd waited so long for this book, over a year, and it was over so fast!

I will write a review at some point. My overall opinion of the book, though, is that I loved it. It answered the questions I wanted answering. It didn't completely break my heart with a bad ending. I think it ended as it should have and I'm thoroughly happy. But I'll talk about it all in my review, when I find the words.

( Reading Meme. )

I read something yesterday that actually made me feel a little weepy. I was surprised by my reaction (well, not really, it’s that time of month and I am hormonal right now) because in the grand scheme of things to get upset about, this really doesn’t even register. Or it shouldn’t.

What I read was an early review of a book that hasn’t been released yet and won’t be for a few more months. It’s the final book in a series that I have loved and adored for a few years now. The author is someone whose books I automatically buy without even reading the blurb. The first time I read what I consider to be their masterpiece, I locked myself away for days and days because I just couldn’t get enough. And when I got to the end, something in me curled up in contentment, in absolute rapture, because the story was so fulfilling and so rich that I tingled.

I shouldn’t have read the spoilers. I should have heeded the reviewer’s warnings and just stayed away. Because even if I don’t read the final book, I know now, and I wish I didn’t.

The reviewer was right when she said this book could potentially destroy the entire series for some. And I understand why. While I was reading the review, a little sob caught in the back of my throat because I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that the author had done this to their world and their characters. It wasn’t necessary. That instalment simply isn’t necessary. Not simply because I want things my way and anything that doesn’t adhere to that is automatically insignificant.

No. It’s because the author took one of my stories – one of my all-time favourite stories, one that was already fully-realised, completely whole and beautiful – and shattered it. And I know, I know that that story isn’t mine, that it’s theirs and they have every right to expand and refine that story as much as they want. But how am I supposed to feel when that final-final chapter serves no purpose but to undermine the tale as a whole?

I’m not going to discuss the spoilers or even mention the author here. I know some of my flist read this series and will hear about this soon, and to be honest, if you feel the same way about it as I do, I’d rather not place the temptation to know here at my LJ. I wish I hadn’t read the spoilers myself. I wish I’d taken the warning not to read this book and just left the site, because in this instance, ignorance really is bliss.

I’m actually really bothered by this and I don’t know why. Maybe because the books are a big part of me, both as a reader and a writer. Maybe because the characters have come to mean so much to me in the years since I originally read them. Or maybe it’s just a simple case of having selfishly wanted the author to bypass a “realistic” epilogue and stick to the dark, complex, beautiful HEA they originally chose.

I don’t know. I might be overreacting. I’ve just been feeling very breakable the last few days, for reasons already mentioned. But don’t you just hate it when you can’t forget about something you wish you didn’t know?

Bleh. Thank God it’s not long until Shadowfever lands on my doorstep.

For kitmerlot1213, who requested Chloe/Oliver.


( The Spaces In-Between. PG. Chloe/Oliver. Chloe returns home the day Oliver fucks with destiny way too many times. )